


Dream Big, Love Bigger

by persephoneregina



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Attacks, Best Friends, Comfort, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Support, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Light Angst, Panic Attacks, Softness, Wally's RBAU, soft, stage fright
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:40:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27012142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/persephoneregina/pseuds/persephoneregina
Summary: San is not scared of failing.San is scared of succeeding.And now that it’s happening, now that their moment is coming and success is so close they can almost taste it, San feels crystallized into a chrysalis of constant panic that not only doesn’t allow him to feel any kind of excitement, but also maims his spirits, freezing him in  an apathy he tries at the best of his possibilities to shake off, but that, nonetheless, comes back to shackle him every day.[Soft and emotional HongSan comfort moment before a concert, inspired by Wally's Rock Band AU]
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28





	Dream Big, Love Bigger

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Julovesyunhwa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Julovesyunhwa/gifts).



> Hello my darlings!   
> This work is a commission for my dear, sweet, adorable friend [July](https://twitter.com/Julovesyunhwa), who commissioned me a HongSan backstage moment from [Wally's](https://twitter.com/wallyxsama) Rock Band AU.  
> Personally, I have the utmost respect for Wally's exceptional work and for July's incredible ideas, so it was my absolute pleasure to work with such an astoundingly detailed material to work with. I hope with all of my heart to have done it justice.  
> Please, check out their accounts and works and give both of them lots of love, they deserve the world!
> 
> As always, if you liked this story, please let me know by leaving a comment and kudos to it, it truly means the world to me and fills my tiny heart with an unimaginable amount of joy, and remember that if you want to you can follow me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/persefoneregina).

# Dream Big, Love Bigger

# 

One would think that a concert backstage should be the most exciting and enticing part: when everything still has to happen, when the air is saturated with static and there is that kind of tension in the pit of the musicians’ stomachs that feels like a punch, together with the untamable need to get on the stage and release all the built up energy.

San used to think that too.

But it was a long time ago, back when he had just began to play and him and the boys would be content with playing in any filthy club in the most remote outskirts of the city, earning maybe 100 bucks, when they got lucky, and with a setlist consisting of five songs at most: three original songs and the two songs that, back in the days, were basically the ones a band needed to play or the concert never happened, namely Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana and Blitzkrieg Bop by The Ramones.

San used to only feel happy when he was on stage.

Before they started to attend competitions, to play in better places, to record their demo, to become what they are now: the new sensation on the rock scene, with a record deal at stake and everything to prove. 

He doesn’t know about the others, but speaking for himself everything had happened too soon and too fast for his tastes, leaving him little to no time to understand what was going on, and when the initial enthusiasm began to fade his insecurities and anxieties kicked in harder than ever.

San tries to conceal it.

He tries, with every mean he can find, but if someday just seeing Jongho smile, Yeosang sneak away to meet with Wooyoung, or staring longingly at how Hongjoong focuses on writing the lyrics for their songs is enough for him to kick away the sads, on other days not even locking himself up in his apartment, shutting the world out and curling up in bed to pet his snake, Peppermint, for hours brings him any peace. It’s all so surreal and hectic that, sometimes, it leaves him breathless and terrified. Some people probably feel like this when they are on the verge of success, at the real turning point in their lives, and realize they are scared shitless at the thought of failure, but that, paradoxically enough, is not his case. 

He has failed way too many times in his life, he is familiar with the feeling, he knows the praxis of falling on his knees, heartbroken, only to pick up the pieces and pull himself back together, by heart. Every time life has attempted to destroy him and leave him shattered, San has always been able, eventually, to learn his lesson and get back up, showing incredible resilience, but this time it’s not enough. This time it's different.

San is not scared of failing.

San is scared of succeeding.

And now that it’s happening, now that their moment is coming and success is so close they can almost taste it, San feels crystallized into a chrysalis of constant panic that not only doesn’t allow him to feel any kind of excitement, but also maims his spirits, freezing him in an apathy he tries at the best of his possibilities to shake off, but that, nonetheless, comes back to shackle him every day.

Though he knows he could trust his bandmates and friends even with having to bury a body, let alone talking about his feelings, San holds back from discussing his mental health with them, because the only worse thing than feeling the way he does would be to have the sensation of weighing them down, of being a burden.

So he sucks his feelings in and tries to shape up.   
Unfortunately, though, there’s only so much he can pretend with them, especially when it comes to Hongjoong, the one person he is the closest to and who he has known for the longest time, who has supported him in the darkest moments of his life and defended him to the hilt, even from himself. Therefore, it definitely doesn’t come as a surprise, even though San wished more than anything for that to not happen, that Hongjoong comes up to him, as soon as he notices he’s spacing out, and drags him in an isolated corner of the backstage to talk.

“Hey, Sanie… Got a minute?” Hongjoong asks, with a kind smile. 

“Sure. Anything you want to talk about?” San knows what he’s doing: he’s trying to make it look like he is doing Hongjoong a favour by talking to him, even though they both know very well that it’s more like the other way around. Nonetheless, he appreciates it. It makes him feel less guilty. It makes him feel like he’s not bothering him.

“”Actually, yes, but why don’t we talk as I fix your hair? It looks frizzy. Can’t have you step on the stage with bad hair.” Hongjoong says, as he gently pulls San by the wrist towards the corner where they have left their bags and pulls out a brush and a small plastic bag filled with small silicone headbands.

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t notice it was so bad.” San answers, with a tad of guilt in his voice. Those days have been way too hard on him for him to care about his hair’s state. 

He sits down on an abandoned folding chair and Hongjoong starts to detangle his hair, gently, with slow strokes of the brush. San closes his eyes to allow the rhythmic sound of the bristles to lull him, feeling a slight yet pleasant tingling sensation on his scalp running down all the way to his spine. Gosh, he has always loved it when people would touch or comb his hair, but the way Hongjoong does it is the apotheosis of pleasure and relaxation.

“So, what’s going on, San? And don’t you dare tell me it’s nothing because I’m not buying it.” Hongjoong softly says, as he begins to give San a gentle scalp massage to soothe him and make him let down his guards.

“It’s not like I don’t want to tell you, but honestly even I don’t know how to explain it, Hongjoong… Gosh, if only I could put it into words…” San mutters, before letting out a long, deep, relishing sound as soon as Hongjoong’s small fingers get to his nape. 

His relaxation, though, doesn’t last long. 

Soon enough, San slips from the gentle grip oh Hongjoong’s hands and bends down, pinning himself on his thighs with his elbows and a deep sigh leaves his lips. 

Hongjoong doesn’t move: he knows that, when San has to address a serious matter that is weighing on his heart, he doesn’t like to feel anybody’s eyes on him, and he respects that. After all, he’s not after politeness: he’s after the truth, and if San is more comfortable that way, then be it.

“Sanie… You know you can tell me everything. Whatever it is that’s on your mind, we can discuss it and try to sort it out. We’ve been through so much together… You can trust me. I won’t tell anyone. It’s just you and I, like the old days. Just you and I.” Hongjoong softly says.

  
He knows how to take him, San thinks. He has always known how to reach for his heart and caress his soul with his kind, heartfelt, sincere way of speaking, harsh when indispensable just as much as gentle when needed. And harsh ways had never worked with him. Kindness and gentleness, however, had always been the keys to unlock his heart, and Hongjoong knows. Like a mantra, his reassuring  _ just you and I _ eventually give San the push he needs to speak.

“It’s just that I always see all of you so enthusiastic, so hyped up, so energetic at the thought of our fame increasing, of our fans growing more and more, at the idea of signing contracts with bigger major companies, while I… I can’t seem to be able to feel any of that excitement. It’s like I’m seeing everything happen, but the moment I get too close, the moment I try to live it and not just witness this experience, I am so overwhelmed and drained that I have to step back and lock myself back into my little ball of isolation. It’s too much, too sudden, and while all of you seem to be able to hold the pace, I can’t keep up, and I’m terrified at the thought that, if I can’t overcome this feelings, if I can’t step up, I will eventually become a burden and you all will grow sick of me and leave me behind.”

If Hongjoong would have heard this kind of words from anyone else his reaction would have been very much different, but San is the one speaking and he knows that, when he opens up in such a raw way, it’s not because he’s fetching attention or for being coddled. It’s because he sincerely, genuinely means every single word he says, and hearing him speak almost breaks Hongjoong heart. On one side, he cannot believe that, even after all these years spent together, San still suffers so much for his abandonment trauma, to the point that it has such a paralysing effect on him, and on the other he cannot bear the thought that he has been so blind to not notice how severely he was being impacted by the circumstances. Of course, he knows that San has always been prone to anxiety and to panic attacks, but usually it would always be him the first to reach out for help. Sure, in his usual subtle ways, but still… He has never kept anything from him, not something so big, not for so long.

Softly, without saying a word, Hongjoong got his hands back in San’s hair, and ever so delicately he pulled him back up, brushing through his long, green locks with immense love and affection. 

“Braid, bun or ponytail?” Hongjoong asks, before proceeding, as he gathers his last reflections and buys time for himself to put his thoughts in order. That’s not because he doesn’t know what to say, oh no, he actually has a lot to say. But the fact is that it’s San they’re talking about, and he needs to make sure that what he will tell him will come out the way he wants it to: not because San is fragile, but because he’s smart enough to tell when someone is not speaking from his heart.

“Whatever you find most fitting.” San answers, flopping against the backrest of the chair, defeated.

“You know, San, I never thought we would have made it so big. Of course, I hoped we would have, and I worked hard for us to reach this point, but I never truly believed that we would have been able to reach this point, and not because of any lack of trust in you guys, but because, deep down, I never thought that I could have lived up to the expectations I had for myself. And I’m not saying this to make it about me. I’m saying this because you, out of all people, have always been my biggest motivation and I always thought that I could have failed anyone but you in my life. You’re my dearest friend. My sweetest one. My most precious person. Every time you’re hurt, I hurt just as much as you. Every time you smile, I smile too, because your happiness makes my heart feast with joy. I could never get sick of you. I could never leave you behind. And I understand that things have been hectic and overwhelming lately, because I myself feel confused and taken aback, most of the time, but at the same time I have a duty towards all of us, and that duty is to give my all to make the dream towards which we have all worked so hard to come true. But if you feel like you don’t want to do it anymore, if you have any doubts or afterthought, I’m ready to rip apart any contract right away.”

“Hongjoong, please, don’t be silly… Don’t even mention those things, I could never ask you to do something like that… What about Jongho? And Yeosang? What about  _ you _ ?” San murmurs, with tears in his eyes.   
He has never thought about the possibility of quitting. It’s not something that has ever been in his plans, and now that Hongjoong is mentioning that, the perspective is even more frightening than anything else. No, quitting is out of the question. Even talking about it feels surreal and wrong in so many ways that San almost chokes on all the things he would like to say to protest against Hongjoong for even bringing that up.

“Two words: who cares? We started this band in four. It’s either four or never, always has been. No one will jump at your throat for figuring out that this is not what you want, you couldn’t have known before, no one of us could have. How could we have expected any of this? How could we have known the impact of the events from the last months on us? What I’m trying to say is that it is ok to have a change of heart, if that is what you want. But first we need to make sure that it is your logical mind speaking, and not your traumas, that this is not a reaction coming from your personal hurt locker.” Hongjoong’s voice is calm and steady as he speaks. 

Keeping calm and rational, in that moment, costs him more than he would like to admit, but then again, he has duties towards his members, and one of those is to always face the uprising issues with as much clarity and honesty as he possibly can. Of course, if they are to disband, that would leave him scarred for the rest of his days, especially now that they’re one step away from achieving their dream, but he knows, and that knowledge is carved in his mind like a fire brand, that his friends and their health, both physical and psychological, come first. He can harden his heart. He can face anything if it means protecting and taking care of them.

“If you think that you’re going through a rough moment, know that I am here for you, San, always, and that I will give everything for you to feel better. I can come to stay at your place and take care of you. I can talk with you all night, every night, until you fall asleep. We can go through every single fear and unpack them, one by one, until you’re not scared anymore. I am at your disposal. But I need to know, and you at least owe me the honesty of a fair and sincere answer, if you’re just frightened or if you want out.” 

Hot tears fall down San’s long and full lashes as he listens to Hongjoong in perfect silence, and while he feels him pull his hair and tie them up in whichever fashion he fancies, the memories of their life together as a band, and even more so as friends, flash right in front of his eyes. Memories of him and Hongjoong sitting on the floor of his apartment, discussing the music for their first original song. Of the first time they all rehearsed together in a rehearsal studio that smelled like sweat and mold. Of the day Yeosang met Wooyoung and everyone, except for the two of them, instantly knew those two were going to be an item. Of the day when Jongho joined them and all of them understood right away that he had enough talent in himself to be the sensation of the music industry for the next 50 years. Of that time when him and Hongjoong went to pick up Peppermint and brought it to his forever home. All those moments and many more, all the laughters, all the sleepless nights, all the arguments, all the promises, all the discarded songs and the ones who made it, everything flashes before San’s glossy eyes, and he understands, in the fraction of a second, almost as if he is suddenly awakened from a terrible nightmare, that he can’t live without their band. He can’t live without them. Whatever it is that is holding him back, he has to face it, because it is putting at stake way much more than himself, more than his future, more than his own life. 

“Hongjoong…” He eventually murmurs, sniffing and drying up his eyes by rubbing them with the back of his hands “I need your help. I need your help because I want to stay and I want to make it, with you all. But at the same time, I cannot ignore these feelings or suppress them. So, if you’re willing to stay by my side as I sort things out…”

“As  _ we _ sort things out. Yes. I’m willing to stay, San. Your fears are valid, and I understand them, but I promise you, no, I swear to you that I am never going to turn my back on you.” Hongjoong says, hugging San from the back and placing a gentle, soft kiss on his cheek. “Pinky promise?” He asks, offering his friend his little finger.

“Pinky promise.” Answers San, wrapping his own little finger around Hongjoong’s, giggling through his last few tears.

“Do you feel like going on stage, or do you want to cancel? You’re the boss here.” 

“Are you kidding me? Of course I feel like going on stage. Can’t waste all the effort you put in this hairstyle, can we?” San says, with a sweet smile, as he looks at himself in the pocket mirror Hongjoong has handed him and admiring his vivid green hair pulled backwards in a French braid going all the way down to his nape.

“Definitely not.” Teasingly answers Hongjoong, kissing San’s forehead and helping him stand up from the chair. “So, how do you like your hair?” He asks, as they both get closer to the stage and take a quick look at the crowd waiting for them to play and chanting their band’s name.

“I love it.” San answers, raptured at the sight of the filled up venue. 

Their first sold out concert is about to begin, and after the longest time, he feels excited again.

He looks at Hongjoong, with his shiny eyes that seem to hold all the existing galaxies inside of them, and smiles.

“Thank you.” He says, and both him and Hongjoong know that he’s not talking about his hair.


End file.
